“America: The Motion Picture”
Rated: R. On Netflix
Grade: C-
What if you could re-imagine “Hamilton” as an animated, historical-comedy-gorefest, featuring a modern idiom-spewing George Washington (Channing Tatum) with chainsaws, a beer-inventing frat boy Sam Adams (Jason Mantzoukas), a one-armed, bitterly anti-colonial Geronimo (Raul Max Trujillo), a scientist named Thomas Edison (Olivia Munn), who turns out to be a Chinese immigrant and a woman and a werewolf Benedict Arnold (Andy Samberg)? Just in time for Independence Day, “America: The Motion Picture,” featuring pop culture references and for some reason super-buff founding fathers, from director Matt Thompson (“Archer”), has some of the DNA of “Team America: World Police” (2004) to be sure. But Thompson’s sophomoric film, which was written by Dave Callahan (“Wonder Woman 1984,” “Mortal Kombat”), has little to none of Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s raucous subversive and irreverent humor.
In opening scenes, we learn that the famous words, “We the people,” might have been, “Us rich guys.” Washington goes to Ford’s theater with his buddy Abraham Lincoln (Will Forte) and Arnold. We hear some truly out-of-touch gay jokes. Instead of actor John Wilkes Booth, Arnold kills Lincoln by ripping his throat out, the start of an unfunny line of inquiry concerning the Gettysburg Address.
Encouraged by hotly-drawn Martha (Judy Greer), who name checks the Lincoln Log, Washington assembles a team to conquer King James (Simon Pegg) and his army. Washington and his comrades enlist Paul Revere, who wears a suit of armor and rides a beloved horse named Clyde. How about a box containing a hand flipping the bird? King James is a loathsome glutton, who never leaves his rocket-powered throne and recalls Darth Vader. He kidnaps Martha and diabolically steeps her in tea to turn her into a Brit (Right?). Speaking of horses, the entire cast is saddled with unfunny dialogue. Only Samberg manages to be amusing because of how outlandish the voice he creates for Arnold sounds. We get jokes about a Washington and an Edison, whose names end in “en” instead of “on” that are so lame they boggle the mind. One of the rules made up by British is, “No romcoms.” To defeat King James, the home team must find a silver bullet to use to kill the werewolf Arnold. In order to do so, they enlist a blacksmith (Killer Mike, invoking the legendary Isaac Hayes), who happens to be Black and does not like white people much. He agrees to help, anyway, but only if they supply the silver.
I’m sure there is a way to make discounting science funny. But these filmmakers don’t know it. You’ve heard of Walmart. How about “Y’all Mart?” Got guns there? Washington and his cohorts stand outside a popular-with-the-British bar named Vietnam, convinced “they can go in and take it.” This is a stretch so monumental you might dislocate something. The men patronize a strip club called “Mount Lust More.” A final battle scene assembles screenwriter Callahan’s go-to reference points: “Star Wars,” “The Lord of the Rings” and “Transformers” movies. Earlier, the rebels accidentally sink the Titanic, but agree to pretend that it ran into an iceberg because they don’t want the blame. Whose going to take the blame for “America: The Motion Picture?” I’ve got two words: Benjamin Franklin-stein.
(“America: The Motion Picture” contains violence, profanity and nudity)
