How you say . . . totally bats–t loca?
Hilaria Baldwin, outed late last year as neither Spanish nor interesting, has now doubled down on Instagram, claiming that she — as Walt Whitman and Bob Dylan before her — contains multitudes.
“When you are multi, it can feel hard to belong,” she wrote in part. “You feel you have to explain why you are the way you are, trying to fit into a world of labels when there might not be one that perfectly defines you.”
Well, to be fair, there was one that perfectly defined Hilaria for years: Spanish.
Between compulsively pumping out babies, posing with said babies in creepy-sexy yoga selfies, dabbling in entertainment journalism and Hollywood-adjacent pursuits, walking endless red carpets despite zero interest in fame herself — ¡nada! — being Spanish was all the one-time Hillary Lynn Hayward-Thomas, born and raised in Massachusetts, talked about.
Lest we forget husband Alec’s weird, self-congratulatory assertions that “my wife is from Spain” — as he told David Letterman back in 2013.
From a 2018 Hola! Magazine cover story: “Hilaria, who was born in Spain, has made certain to raise her children with her native language, Spanish.”
¡Ay dios mio!
And, of course, her own personal Zapruder film, that great “Today” show segment in which she, no chef but teaching us all how to cook, another shifty and grifty claim — uttered this, in a Spanish accent:
“How you say in Eng — cucumber?”
You can watch it on a loop. It never gets old.
Hilaria Baldwin added that her parents now live in Mallorca, as do other members of her family. Page Six, though, reported Hilaria Baldwin’s parents didn’t move to Spain until 2011 when she was 27 years old, “making her on-again, off-again Spanish accent even more bizarre.”
“The media found its end-of-December fodder usually provided by an unusually restrained President Trump,” said the Times, “delivering everything from a New York Post cover to a Washington Post explainer.”
So dour, so humorless, but that’s the Times for you. It really was such a great cover.
I mean, come on: What better celebrity scandal to close out our pandemic year? Were there two more smug, self-serving, hypocritical liberal elites in all of 2020? That tsunami of public mockery felt deserved — even though we really are in a post-shame era. Almost no one ever apologizes and means it.
To wit: Hilaria just can’t let it all die down, lest her fame, such as it is, disappear.
And so we have the Rachel Dolezal of the Hamptons doubling down online, lecturing us ignoramuses on concepts such as “fluidity” and “curation,” invalidation and normalization and all the other junk jargon that permeates college campuses and the cringe-y online self-affirmations of the rampantly insecure.
Hilaria writes that “we need to normalize the fact that we are all unique — our culture . . . [is] ALLOWED TO BE FLUID.”
Make no mistake: Hilaria is not only not sorry, but she equates her struggle here to that of civil rights and the LGBTQ+ community, castigating a society that does not allow those who are different or uncategorizable to belong.
Oh, the lament of the Hollywood wife. This is some crazy rich white lady stuff that belongs on “The Real Housewives of New York City” immediately.
“It can feel hard to belong,” Hilaria tells us, but “you don’t need to explain or get into the uncomfortable ‘prove it’ situation . . . People will try to find reason [sic] to invalidate you . . . they can hate, poke fun & shame — because you asked for it through your audacity to be you.”
Exactamente.